It was so nice to see you for our light lunch today of potted crab, capers and quail egg with a selection of home-grown organic produce garnished with slices of fresh venison, shot on our estate in Scotland and followed by toasted goats’ cheese, milked, churned and set under supervision by my wife, and I thought that, before you go, I should write a few words to clarify what we have discussed. I mentioned to you the anxieties that have developed around the increasing incidence of red hair, both in my own family and more generally around our United Kingdom. There seems no doubt that this is a matter that will undoubtedly require governmental action at some time in the fairly immediate future: my own instinct is that it is acceptable in Scotland, but should really be kept there.
I also agree that while this was once something we could probably cover up, with today’s wayward youth the carpet is as clear as the curtains. God preserve us from the Tinder you described so eloquently! But what (or who) is Snapchat? or Grindr? I remain at a loss.
It is probably too late, as you pointed out, to institute compulsory blood tests to trace the ginger gene to its inevitable source, but, in the meantime, I like your suggestion that, in the meantime, we should show greater support for red-heads of all description. To this end, might I suggest that my former sister in law should represent our country abroad as Ambassador of the Scilly Isles. It would be important to ensure that she receives the proper equerries and staff – do make sure you check out their feet. (Fergie seems to have a thing about people’s feet.) And do make sure she receives proper guidance, almost on a minute by minute basis because she is inclined to go rapidly off-message.
I do not wish to press the point about our family, but it seems that Chancellor Merkel is warming to the idea of restoring the hereditary monarchy in Germany and I would be keen that Britain is fully represented in such an effort. Might I put myself forward as a possible candidate in the absence of any foreseeable employment? It would be like a homecoming of sorts for my family and a tremendous aid to your undoubted efforts to keep Britain in the EU if we could also, at the same time force our own dynastic links across the continent. You might be aware that my father also has strong ties to Greece and might be prevailed upon to solve the current economic crisis with a few well-chosen words.
Regarding your suggestion that Jeremy Clarkson should take over as our man in Argentina, I am afraid, on reflection, that I have never heard of Jeremy Clarkson, or of his erstwhile programme, “Top Geer” which you mentioned with affection – might this be one of those travelogues about journeys through the EU? Was Michael Palin not available perhaps when the series began? But I am afraid I am a loss as to what even the mighty Mr Clarkson might have had to say about Greer. It is a dull place in Liege somewhere up the river Jeker. I am certainly impressed he has managed to talk about this for 10 years. It gives fuel for thought and suggests he is a man of astounding talent to have made so much of so little. As for Argentina! Of course, I know of Argentina! I went there in the late 90’s and my younger brother regales us often with his deeds of aeronautical daring-do as does my son, and if the said Clarkson might help to quieten down any further attacks on our diminished territories in the Southern Hemisphere, so much the better. Did you enjoy the cranberries? They are from our own garden, and I knew each personally – each almost as a thought in the mind of God. They are plumper because they grew with affection.